Eventhough it rained earlier, still turns out to be a lovely day! (Taken with instagram)
It has been a long time since I have felt such excruciating pain to the point where it constricts my lungs and distorts my mind. For years, I never let anyone in because when someone knows you, they have the ability to take a part of you, even if it was not intentional. I haven’t seen clearly for the past year and a half and now I finally feel that everything you restricted me of has become a part of my life again. As we understand in life, everything has a consequence, not necessarily having a negative connotation. I have come to realize that you have thwarted my understanding of myself and life. I let you and I let myself be blinded by the care and compassion that you once offered. You saw me as a wounded individual and you wanted to fix me but what you didn’t understand is that I did not need fixing. I have become my own person to share my knowledge and wisdom, not be stripped of it. I pride myself on coming from a strong and powerful family to not allow things like this to rip away my very sanity but apparently you caught me at weak moment, when I was wiling to give anything a chance. With the hopes of something good, only bad had surfaced my very mindset. I don’t blame anyone but myself, because I allowed and put myself through this because I let this happen. For a long time you made me believe that I deserved this and that I was wrong. In actuality you constricted me of my right to express my opinion and to feel a certain way. Today, I understand that I did not deserve this and I was not wrong. I am only human and I am allowed to feel the way I feel. I am deserving.
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
As much as I miss you and want to be with you, we don’t need false promises and pressure overriding us. I need time to heal. We both do in order to progress forward. If their is any chance of us being together this is not the way to ride it out.
I fucking hate sitting next to people who wear too much smellvgood juice that doesn’t even fucking smell good. Ugh you are giving me a fucking headache. I already don’t like you.